Cheshire

(no subject)

Here it is, again. I suppose I need to write to get some of this out of me. I notice that a lot of people let their journals or blogs lie fallow until such time as life turns against them in some way. I don't reckon I am the exception to this. Not that there are many left around. My life has been a little turned upside-down, of late, due to EJ's breaking up with me. There is supposedly hope that we can work it out, but she doesn't even know if she wants to at the moment. It's pretty tough, right now.

I can understand why people apply spiritual concepts to matters of love. The emotions involved are quite intense. Even I was actually tempted to see my relationship with EJ as some sort of mechanism of fate. Everything with her seemed perfect. Hell, everything with her was nearly perfect.

The way we fit together, physically, emotionally, and intellectually amounted to what passed for perfect in my world. She was on my mind all the time. I would see something and think that EJ would love to hear about that. I would feel good just because I knew she was there, somewhere, loving me and being willing to call me her boyfriend. We were and are connected in ways that I can't even list, and some I can't sufficiently describe. We were together for nearly four years and up until recently, everything seemed so good. We even wondered when the NRE would go away, but it never did. We determined it was just chemistry.

I just hope she feels the same and can come around to me again, some day. In the mean-time we're trying this friends thing. And I will try my damnedest to support her as a friend.

One of the reasons for her needing to back off was that our communications were spiraling out of control. I would say something I thought was completely innocuous and she would take it the wrong way. It started out small, at first, with her believing me when I clarified. It used to be that she didn't need clarification. She got me in a way that no one else did at the time. She would automatically assume if I meant something, I would just come out and say it.

But back in the winter, I had some difficulty with a bit of depression and paranoia. I saw her filling places in her schedule with things that involved her new boyfriend and that somehow made me think that she had denied me those places. I know better. Hell, I should have known better, then. And I tried to work through this difficulty on my own. It was a mind worm I couldn't shake. But one day I expressed my concerns to her and she and I talked about it. On my way home, I came around to untying the knot of the problem. I resolved it. I sent her an email to that effect. It was not well-worded and it caused her some anxiety regarding the situation. I believe that this series of events set her to thinking that I would say something without actually saying it. She started at about that time to think that everything I said was loaded in some way.

This continued to get worse, and I responded by trying to soften and be terribly specific with everything I said. I think this invoked even more trouble, as she saw me saying things in a different way than I usually do and looked more thoroughly for problems. This really came to a head in the past few weeks. Every conversation we had was a minefield of my trying to say that I was not saying anything more and her insisting that I was saying more than I was typing or that I had an issue that I didn't recognize. Even when I was with her, I would try not to invoke that response and not say things I normally would say. This caused all kinds of problems, as she would sense something wrong and I would be unable to say what was going on in my hesitance to invoke the disbelief. Even after we "stepped back" she took something I said over text as some sort of passive-aggressive statement.

Add all this to the fact that I felt guilty over the initial problem (as I saw it) in letting that get the better of me and wanting to make up for it, and it was a perfect storm heading our way. There were other things in her life taking a severe emotional toll on her as well, so she was becoming more and more unable to handle things as she was previously.

So she wants to step back. And I will do that. As far as I am concerned, "friend" doesn't even describe what she is to me, and always will be. I love her in so many ways beyond "lover" as well. I will do whatever I can to support her. And if she needs me to step back and be a "friend" then I will do so. At least she knows that I am there, if she wants to pick it up again.

But one of my difficulties in this is seeing ways in which I could help her, but being unable to do so, or say how, because of the recent events. My observations of what she was doing to what I was saying are only recent, after we hashed it out, and she doesn't want to talk about it, any more. I don't want to bring it up for that reason, but I know it would help her in resolving situations and recognizing some things. There is so much I cannot say in respecting that friendship status, but it needs to be said and I am unsure what to do with that information because I don't want to mess with supporting her in other ways.

Now I still think about her all the time. I'm stuck with that. But when I do, with the love that I feel for her, it also invokes the knowledge that she is no longer willing to call me her boyfriend. She called me "my dude". I used to hear, "Any time, my dude." quite a bit. But now that I think about it, she hasn't done that in a while, even before that difficulty last winter, and I don't know why. I feel set adrift, without those moorings that knowing she was there for me provided.

It will work out how it works out. It's out of my hands, for the most part. All I can do is try to be the best friend possible and hope that some day she is in a healthier place. If that healthy place has to be without me in her life as her dude, then so be it. I just want her to be healthy and happy. I'll be okay with "just" friendship. Of course, I want more. But sometimes we can't get what we want.

To be fair, I've had more of her than I ever thought I deserved, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. She showed me how a relationship is supposed to be and I still have this love in my heart for her that I will never relinquish. I have her to thank for so much that has improved my life. I can't begrudge her the need to step back to preserve our regard for one another. And I will fill whatever role I need to be in her life.
Cheshire

Random

I went looking via LJArchive for a post where I told the history and significance of the name "Random". It boggles me that I have never done that here. So here goes:

Back when I first met David and Adrian, I made a character for one of the games we played named Random Birdwhistle, a Barbarian/Handler. I thought myself terribly clever, of course. But I went through so much with that character that I started to identify with it and he became an extension of me. Or at least my more impulsive side. He was strangely wise and reserved for a Kender, which means that he would still steal (handle) everything that wasn't nailed down and seeing as he DID have a claw-hammer, he would take that too, given time. But he was also a real bad-ass. He was okay starting conversations with dragons, as he wasn't exactly fragile, and was known to use his ridiculously over-sized club rather than a hoopak. "Hey! I've always wondered if a wizard's brains are the same color as a dragon's!"

So that character became sort of an alter ego for me and I grew attached to it.

When I started MUDding on MudDog in, I think, the Fall of 1990, just after I met Bill, I named my character Random. I figured I would bring that personality out of retirement and play him as I did my old character. Things happened and he became a mage. Then more things happened and my idea of what Random was became more of like what I wanted to be. He was witty, charming, and skilled. I found I could actually talk with people in this character.

Over time I grew into it. I grew out of my shyness (that story is elsewhere), and sort of became Random. Of course I can't cast spells, which is a pity. But the personality sort of fused a bit. I figure that Random was just a piece of me made manifest the whole time.

But that's not even the weird part.

One day I was doing my usual thing and someone asked, based on the name, if I had read the Amber series by Roger Zelazny. He told me that based on my character name he was sure I would have and that I would probably like it. So I checked it out. I got into it. It's a pretty good series. Then I got to the part about Random. And then I got to the part about Martin, Random's son.

That was a real doozy of a coincidence. To this day has been a source of stress on my skepticism regarding things that are "meant to be". Of course I am still thinking it's purely a coincidence, but it's not every day one runs into a "Random", and "Martin" isn't exactly the most common name in the world. To come across a relationship like that of father to son, and creator to character, is extremely unlikely.

But then there is this nerd-core rapper I recently found out about named MegaRan or Random.

So that's the story. Don't you feel enlightened?
Cheshire

A Tale in the Form of a Play for Your Amusement (but mostly for posterity)

Players:
Martin Cox as the jovial, loveable, and perspicacious (if confrontational) Martin Cox
Adrian Altimirano (alias Hadrian Wolfe *snicker*) as John Dashwood, the brain-damaged neo-nazi and self-hating human of Costa Rican descent.
The conversation for my reference: http://www.facebook.com/messages/john.dashwood.5


Please note that a lot of these messages were in response to posts I made on Face Book. He didn't want to post in a comment, ostensibly because he doesn't like threads. Or something

Another Note: He originally introduced me to Erin because his brother, David, at one point was mooning over her pretty hard core. She got to Statesboro shortly after I left for the Army. David found out that I was going to visit and tried to "warn" her that I was a conniving ladies' man with no scruples, that I would fuck anything that moves, and that she was my type. Turns out that he was right about the type! But anyway, Adrian's plan was to have us post imaginative Facebook entries to imply that we had hooked up so as to get his brother's goat and make him miserable. This also seems to be one of his goals in life. His little plan backfired when we started talking, comparing notes, and generally getting on like a house on fire. We additionally discovered through mutual research that these two had been talking mad smack about me in so many ways and I dropped him like a hot brick after that last exchange. An aspect of said talking of smack was that they would modify tales of our experiences together to cast me as the dumb-ass, the bad guy, or whatever negative role they could concoct, when they were the ones cast in those roles in the original events. One thing that offended her most was that these people had no reasons to make up any lies about me other than just pure hatefulness because it was very unlikely that we would meet. I think you will see the fun part of that story with that in mind.


John Dashwood
21 January 2011
Yo Dude.
Hey it's the guy that suggested talking to Erin. Wink, wink!

Martin Cox
21 January 2011
This isn't the wall, dude. This is a private message. [:P]

John Dashwood
22 January 2011
Private is good!

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
http://www.natvan.com/free-speech/fs005a.html

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
http://www.natvan.com/free-speech/fs005b.html

Martin Cox
24 March 2011
Tell me honestly why you couldn't post that as a response to my thread.

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
I don't like the threads. One of my quirks.

Martin Cox
24 March 2011
But you posted a failed rebuttal there with no problem...

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
A failed rebuttal? It's all a matter of opinion.
Not whose right or whose wrong.

Martin Cox
24 March 2011
When one says one can prove something, one is saying that one has right information. I have to say that even posting a link from that particular site makes one lose all credibility in many areas of "rightness"...

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
Perhaps you should read it first before making such a sweeping judgement?

Martin Cox
24 March 2011
I skimmed through it, but the wording reminded me of something...so I checked out the site. I thought you'd grown out of that.

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
In many ways I have. Though I must point out that many aspects of it do make some valid points/
Liberalism say anything goes. I disagree with that.
Conservatism is not longer conservatism.
So I don't have anything to do with it either.

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
Well considering that many of those locations mentioned in your "evidence" have some of the lowest crime in the country compared to more "Liberal" areas like say L.A. for instance and it's home state with all it's brownouts. I figured something equally sweeping and judgemental was in order. Last I checked. Liberals didn't care about teenage pregnancy, sanctity of marriage, the middle class, education, or a balanced budget. But handouts to people who don't go out and earn it. Also they're all for rights for criminals to sue people defending themselves from them and not deporting illegal aliens, but going after ranchers defending their property. "Conservatives" are only concerned with America's elite and that sums them up. You forget I spent some of my youth growing up in the most liberal state on the east coast. I saw it's decaying affects on society. Like not having the right to defend a family member getting attack but had the right to call the police. For if i attacked their attacker i could get sued. Also the affects on the budget of the currant president are from the previous president. So Clinton had nothing to do with a balanced budget. But the President before him. Love him or not it's the truth. See so i do read everything I don't just glance through it and deside because of it's origins it must be wrong. I read everything from all world leaders of all ideologies. I always have.

John Dashwood
24 March 2011
Remember, in politics your enemy may turn out to be the one that's right after all.
Also Communism with all it's Gulags (in use well on up into 1989 by the way in Russia) that killed and estimated 300 million people and still counting (North Korea and China). Is liberalism at it's finest. Many people forget that. Many Americans get confused as to why Communism and Fascism were at odds. Why? Ideology. Fascism is the Right and Communism is the Left. They hated each other even though their methods were astonishingly similiar strictly because one was Conservatism and one was Liberalism.

Martin Cox
24 March 2011
I could go through, pointing out how the communism of the USSR and China are NOT, in fact, communism, but fascism and denial of individual rights, but I'm going to go ahead and call it. You've obviously not grown out of the racist perceptions you had a while back so there's no point in going down the line with it. It's like debating a creationist at this point.
(Note: he had previously "liked" an image I posted regarding creationists that said, "Debating a creationist is like playing chess with a pigeon: No matter how well you do, the pigeon is going to knock over the pieces, shit on the board, and strut around like he's the winner.")

John Dashwood
26 March 2011
No Fascism and Communism are two very different animals. Obviously you learned your political leanings of the moment from what ever chick you're currently sleeping with. Seeing as how you have never been known to have any other opinion than what the female gender has dictated to you. Fascism for your information and enlightenment makes the people of the nation the bottom line. It is an economical method where the gross national product is made the standard on which the currency is valued instead of gold. The more people work and produce the more valuable the currency becomes. Instead of borrowing loans from other countries and incurring dept (Like our country, HELLO!). Fascist countries fall back on the bartering system with other nations. Thus Fascist Italy withstood the Great depression and National Socialist Germany rebounded in short order under such a system. It worked so well FDR copied aspects of it in his "New Deal". That's why Fascist governments still have private ownership of property and businesses and Communist don't. Fascism get's it name from the Fasces, an ancient Roman symbol of unity. So to call all oppressive governments Fascist is pure ignorance. Communism seeks to make a classless, so called common ownership society where there is no private property and the taking of private property from people to create it. If you could go through and point out anything you would have. But like most people holding onto liberal ideology you can't debate anything. Why is that? Because arrogance aside all liberals can do is make snide accusations and say such things are not worth debating blah blah blah. Because they are hyper conscious they have nothing to say. Or well at least nothing but the usual song and dance. Which all you have said I have heard before. It's called: Secular Fundamentalism. It's astoundingly intolerant to for a segment of society that fancy's itself the epitome of enlightenment and sophistication.

Martin Cox
26 March 2011
Well you definitely lost all credibility with the words "sanctity of marriage" and now you've gone to personal insults. I guess that about does it, doesn't it?
I refuse to debate this tripe because you've swallowed it, hook, line, and sinker. It's like debating a creationist because you accept certain things as basically true when they aren't. I refuse to debate it because you haven't said one thing that was based on evidence, besides the origin of word forms, which have nothing to do with this shit. Learn something from somewhere besides your racist websites and you might have some ground to stand on. Maybe. Not likely.
You've also swallowed some shit about me, apparently. I do not base my own thoughts on those of anyone else except as new data with which to compare my own. I then go and get evidence to support that data. I am a scientist and a learner. But you never knew that.
It's obvious that you never knew me, man. That's one of the worst parts about this. I thought you at least would have observed me enough to know at least a little more than this moronic bullshit. You're too much like your brother, I suppose. He seems to think that my life is nothing but a series of fuck sessions. I've grown to despise him for so much for all he's done to me and all he's said about me, while I was a friend to his sorry ass and kept him out of so much trouble I can't even list the incidents. And now I despise you for your lack of ability to think outside your own fucking box and trying to say that you know me with this crap.

Don't you ever call me

Martin Cox
26 March 2011

On a final note, if you ever try to call me or contact me again, you're showing your true nature to be a pathetic last-word seeker and just a rotten, nasty little pissant, yourself. See I DO pay attention to the people I claim to be friends and who I am trying to help. As a result of this knowledge about you, and from experience I have gained about people you claim to call your friends and your behavior about them, I expect you to bad-mouth me to everyone. I actually already don't doubt that you do, considering what you've said here. That's fine, since no one in their right might listens to you with any seriousness, anyway.

Good luck with that shit.
Cheshire

(no subject)

I was going through, sorting my emails into proper folders and I found a response to an LJ comment in which someone was doing a thing in which she would pick seven interests and I would explain them when I left a comment. Apparently I neglected to do it! (for reference, it was a post made on the 19th of August in 2008) I don't know why, but I felt like I should.

Well she picked some and I never made the post! So here they are and the explanations, though it may be a little dated.

Polyamory: Polyamory is loving more than one person in a romantic sense. It's just that. I've always known on some level I could do this, and never understood the whole monogamy thing. I get that people want to live that way and that my way isn't necessarily better, but for me it is awesome. I have my wife and my girlfriend of nearly three years. I am talking to someone in Florida right now. We're taking it as we can get it because the chance to even meet might just be distant, to be generous. I joked with Jodi that I have three speeds of women, now.

Girls: I think this would be self-explanatory, but here goes. Girls are great. I love them. I love how soft they are, the way they move, and the way I feel when I am around them. They are my only interest in a romantic sense. I have considered that there might be a fellow on the planet to whom I could be sexually attracted, but it hasn't happened yet, and probability says it won't. I am really picky, though, with regard to who I pay attention in that way. I haven't always been, but I have grown up to realize that I only want people around me who are worth being around.

Transhumanism: For me, this is the belief that humans will, and should, overcome the limitations of being human to become more than human. And to me being human means being enlightened. So it's not just about finding the key to over-coming physical limitations, but mental ones as well. With the physical comes the intellectual and moral. Whether it is through the elimination of aging from the human condition, cybernetics, or genetic improvement by taking control of our destinies instead of leaving it in the fickle hands of nature, I am solidly behind humans becoming more.

Cephalopods: I like cephalopods. They are fascinating. I've heard stories and read articles about octopuses in which they've used tools, escaped aquariums, and showed planning and forethought. I've seen and heard enough evidence for me to believe they are intelligent. And this is why I will never eat one. My definition of cannibalism includes eating of sentient creatures. Though there is a problem with this definition as some humans would be included in the list of things to eat.

Grues: "The grue is a sinister, lurking presence in the dark places of the earth. Its favorite diet is adventurers, but its insatiable appetite is tempered by its fear of light. No grue has ever been seen by the light of day, and few have survived its fearsome jaws to tell the tale." I became enamored of the grue when I first played the game Zork. I loved that game and it is an excellent monster and reminder of the game itself.

Hidden things: I love secrets. I sometimes treat secrets and secret things like jewels: I keep them to myself and take them out to admire and caress every now and then. I also love finding things that few others have found. Secrets include things people have told me that they find embarrassing or titillating, basements of abandoned buildings, hidden places, and so on.

World of warcraft: As I am sure everyone here knows, by now, World of Warcraft is an on-line game known as an MMORPG. I believe the inquirer has, by now, played the game at least once. But my interest goes a little further than just the game itself. I love the world...of warcraft. I have been fascinated with the world and the lore since I started playing the first RTS game, Warcraft: Orcs & Humans. I've kept up with the RTS games since then and the lore and ideas have crept into my ideas regarding fantasy and gaming. Many of the concepts have found their ways into my D&D games.

Well that's it! I missed the first post, somehow, but I hope this makes up for it.
Cheshire

(no subject)



Perhaps I find it easy to be an atheist and find joy in life and the universe because I do not fear death, but see it only as a natural process. I have never been able to fear that which I cannot influence. Fear has no irrational hold on my heart.

Yet I dread the wages of those who fear death and act irrationally on that fear. It is truly said that fear is the mind killer.
Cheshire

A Question

Imagine a man. Let’s call him a doctor. He graduated at the top of his classes. He has degrees in medicine, nutrition, psychology, and is instructed in all the other things that he would need to help make a person healthy. He is in possession of all his faculties and has no inhibitions or handicaps that would interfere with the execution of these activities. He is not restrained in any way. Indeed, he is the picture of health and freedom.

Now imagine this man has at his disposal clean, cool water, all the food and nutritional supplements anyone could ever need, and medical supplies to stock a metropolitan hospital. Suppose this man has a staff of qualified, dedicated professionals at his beck and all the equipment anyone could ever need to save any number of lives from any number of afflictions.

Imagine that this man sits in a chair.

Now imagine a child about ten feet from this man’s chair. The child suffers the ravages of starvation, dehydration, and neglect. His belly protrudes. His legs and arms are nearly just bone. The child cries softly because he can’t cry any other way. His whole existence is misery. His whole life is made of pain. He cannot even move effectively.

The man is fully aware of this child and his afflictions. He knows exactly how to help this child and exactly what to do to bring this child to full health. He even knows how to let the child die, if needed, without pain or suffering. The man hears the cries of the child and knows of the pain the child suffers.

The man does nothing.

What kind of man is this?
Cheshire

(no subject)

When Christians tell me (or even think that) I am going to hell, or even imply it by saying I am a "lost soul", it's not with the caveat that they hope they are wrong. They tell me that they think their god is as cruel and vain as it can be in making me, a good person who loves people and helps others, be tortured for all eternity because I dared doubt (with a brain that their god allegedly supplied) something for which there is absolutely no evidence.

They are hoping that they are right about the after-life and that they will be rewarded for believing in this evil, all while believing that I, a man who hopes for peace and love for all of humanity, stands up for what I believe, and works to help others, will burn in hell for eternity.

It's really a wonder more people don't see what's wrong with this idea. This kind of thinking is squarely in the camp of evil. They might hope that I come around to their ways of thinking, but even then, I would be kissing the ass of some vain, stupid child of a deity who needs my subservience to recognize my goodness.

But god works in mysterious ways, right?
Cheshire

(no subject)

In response to the fellow who claimed that the hand of god and its protection would be removed because abortion rights might come about, here, I posted this and I wanted it somewhere for future reference.

Wait...where was that protection when the market went kablooie, or the world trade center got wrecked? Oklahoma Bombing? Katrina? Starving children? With friends like that, who needs enemies? Of course we're talking about the same god who supposedly made us all flawed, but we're going to hell forever if we don't make the right decisions in an ignorant infancy of a soul that supposedly lasts an eternity.This is like torturing your child for the rest of his or her life because of a decision made when that child was two over a two-minute span of time. It's actually worse, as "eternity" is a far longer period and the envisioned hell is supposedly far worse than anything humanity can come up with. Which sort of speaks to that "god's" character, doesn't it?

If the god of the bible existed (it doesn't - it's a logical impossibility) he'd be fucking repulsive and I'd join up with his enemies, whatever the punishment. I actually have morality and character and I stick to what's right in the face of hardship. I will admit to being a little selfish in this statement: The thought of spending eternity in hell is a soothing balm compared to the thought of spending eternity with this slimy fuck. People who behave because they're afraid of hell? People who behave or love god because they fear god? Morally bankrupt.

The god of the bible, even after this Jesus fellow came along, would be pure, unadulterated evil and I would work to overthrow him if he even started to exist. As the god of the bible is obviously playing us for fools in that work of fiction. In that story, I am calling (spoiler alert!) is obviously some minor energy being who just wants power and souls for his consumption. No being who is omniscient, omnipotent, and benevolent could possibly behave like he does in that glorified fanfic. He commits horrors that would make Voldemort quail in disgust. Yes, even unto the new testament, when he supposedly gave us an out. If I were the hero of the book, I'd be working to destroy it utterly and irrevocably.

Whoever thinks fear is the heart of love needs a severe reality check and a revision of their morals and the people who think this god in that book is good really need to do some learning about right and wrong. And before I am preached to about potential errors in that book: If there are so many (SO MANY!) errors, then why not drop the book entirely and live life without it?

My analogy of the doctor next to the starving child? The man with all the resources who did nothing? That was god.

There was a movie called The Rite, wherein the devil screwed up by convincing a priest he existed. The priest, convinced, reasoned that god existed as well and vanquished the demon with the power of god or some shit. Terrible movie, but here's the point: If I were ever convinced of the actual existence of this god of the bible, I would be his eternal enemy. The best thing the devil could do for his cause at this point is convince me.